I’ve been threatening to write out how different Horoscopes deal with me. I don’t give a shit about them, but I’ve noticed a startling trend that I’m going to share. Previously, I wrote the general definitions of each horoscope, which I can’t find so to hell with it. These are how each sign responds to/how I handle them/me. I have a thing with slashes right now. Keep up. Because I can’t find the other entry, you guys can have the one where I detail how mean I am to Nardo (Libra). Read his path of torture here: here.
Aries: These are the people I always battle for the spotlight with. Occasionally they’ve said something that’s sprouted a chortle from the corner of my face, but most of the time I’m so freaked out by their laser eyed staring to focus. Seriously, they stare. When they want you to touch their body, Aries don’t wait around for you. They can please themselves just fine, but god damn it, when they want to have someone else for the leg work, you’ll know it. I’ve literally been stared at through an entire daytime date, just, in the eye, while I attempted feebly to make small talk and not have my brain explode on the booth behind me. They said nothing. The handprint on the steamy window of her car was from me, not her, trying to claw my way out. Some part of me is still there, screaming.
Taurus: I’ve seriously and stone-face defined heartbreak with these people. There’s something about them that I’m attracted to beyond anything I can actually feel. More often than not, if I like someone and can’t handle my shit, they turn out to be this sign. Two out of three people I’ve been horridly, grossly in love with have been Taurus; none of which reciprocated. It’s the curse, I guess. If sirens were still the number one threat to man’s will, they would be Taureans. Look at their plural term. Look at it. Even in plural, they sound neat as fuck. God, I love them. 9/10 in the sack.
Gemini: What the hell is the matter with you people? You’re always so beautiful but your personalities can’t decide to be agreeable or bullshit. I get the entire “two faces” thing, but jesus christ, you people don’t even have a shift between hot and cold. You can be laughing one minute and Mike Tyson comin’ at my ear in the next. Every single one of you assholes needs to come with “handle with care” stickers plastered to every part of your skin. I mean that in the sense of transporting a live IED and not in the sense of your flux emotions. If that’s what you can call them.
Cancer: Aspergers. All sorts of aspergers. You people are smart, but you take so incredibly long to crack open. You’re great partners, no doubt, for people willing to mill around and figure out what the fuck your problem is. For anyone interested, I’m planning on writing a questionnaire you can use to actually talk to Cancer’s. By planning I mean that I’ll forget about the end of this sentence. Cancer’s almost always hate me right off the bat, even if I don’t say anything, and thusly I’m attracted to them immediately.
Leo: selfish pricks who really suck at spelling. I dated a Leo cheerleader once, which is essentially like saying I dated a narcissist who firmly believed it was their birthday every single day of the year. They always have great hair, and typically find themselves more comedic than me, which is a mortal sin. I don’t like their music, and I’m jealous of their hair. All of the time. Forever. I hate you.
Virgo: you’re me, so you’re perfect. Occasionally I meet a retarded Virgo who didn’t get the memo that we’re pretty smart and charming as hell. When that happens I suffer a crippling moment where I want to take them in and teach them Flowers For Algernon style. Strap them to a chair and just beat them if they attempt to end sentences in prepositions or consider anything released musically in the last five years acceptable. For me, Virgos have always been the people that make cynicism fun. There’s nothing like people watching with a sniper rifle. Of words, I mean. Sort of.
Libra: They are fascinated by me, personally. I don’t know because I’ve never asked, but if I tried they’d likely talk over me to ask me more questions about me. You’d think that I would absolutely adore the people who do this, but in reality they are typically perma-friends. I’m sure the universe put them on this planet to create some sort of friend-safety-net thing just in case someone asks if I have friends I can say, “Yeah.” Every Libra I’ve met is my number one fan, but only as long as they remain in that delusion. They’re typically pretty ADHD so as soon as one remembers I’m not cool, I can typically change the subject back to the best subject, which is me. I said “me” five times. Um, six. (I’m still cool. Did you check that tab you opened? I’m still cool.)
Scorpio: occultists. According to the internet, scorpios are supposed to be the sexually charged sign of blah blah blah, whatever. That’s Aries and Taurus; there’s no way in fuck a scorpion looking symbol has anything to do with sex, not unless, you know, you’re into that. Not to mention, every scorpio i’ve met or have banged is an occultist. Wiccans, Craftians, Satanists, Atheists and people who really hate organised anything, including religion. Although I wouldn’t say they’re dumb, scorpios are the pinnacle of “it made sense in my head”. They’re also either really rail thin, or hugely massive. Not sure what happened there.
Sagittarius: twenty-four years alive on this marble and I’ve never met one. They’re ghosts. If I ever meet one that this point in my life, the first thing I’m going to do is throw water on it to make sure it isn’t some weird projection or something. You know those orbs people claim are dead people in pictures? Those are Sagittarius. Get it right.
Capricorn: dopey and stubborn. Any and all Capricorns I’ve met and dated have come off as the most retarded yet endearing humans. Like three year olds that live in a lifestyle of “meh, close enough”. To be blunt, they’re probably the creators behind the word, “meh” which I fucking hate beyond any other word in the English language. They are also the most stubborn assholes I’ve ever met, but that same stubbornness works alright for at least until they lose interest if you give them a task they think is fun. Think dangling keys to keep baby quiet.
Aquarius: an aquarian made a joke to me once and I haven’t stopped laughing. They’ve always made me laugh the hardest with physical comedy. It could be their sluggish behavior or the odd shit that comes out of their mouth, but anytime I meet one I end up crying. In a good way. Good cry. Good cry is alright. They can go anywhere between sitting next to me for hours just playing a game to forcing me to play hakisak drunk. If you have anything around your house and you’ve wondered who invented it, an Aquarius probably did. Those useless Japanese inventions? Aquarians. The entire site of “FAIL”? Aquarians.