Impulse: Bookshelf

I've run out of space to put bookshelves. I've run out of patience paying $40 for them to snap, buckle, crumble and fall down. I searched the internet for clever alternatives, thinking about Japan and their space issues--how they build up instead of out. 

Pinterest and Etsy both offered a solution that resonated: a hanging "bookshelf". Trouble was the price tag for all of them sat between $150-$250. 

Admittedly, their shelves were beautiful, hand-tooled, hand-made, with woods sourced from heaven itself. I'd source my wood out of old crack houses if I wouldn't have to fight crack heads thinking I'm there to steal leftover copper dust. Asbestos be damned, I'm resourceful. With my luck I'd accidentally stumble on excellent driftwood, only to be sued by some government for tampering with an old shipwreck relic or something. I'll take my chances getting sued at Walmart. 

 For this project you'll need:

1. Drill

 2. Level

 3. Shower Hooks (12pk x3) $1.67 

4. Dowels (7 7/8" x4) $2.66 

5. Large Buttons (6pk x4) $2.57 

6. Yarn $6.78 

7. Nylon String $5.17 

8. 10x21/2" Deck screws or some other type of long, course thread screw (1 box) $8.97 

 TOTAL: $46.85 +TAX 

Let's say altogether its $50, but it takes around 30 seconds to assemble depending on your DEX score and you get FOUR of them, not one.

STEP 1: Measure nylon string to 8" (20cm) and cut. Do this 12 times, total.

STEP 2: Tie string around dowel, create a space, and knot. Do this 3 times per dowel.

It should look like this. Do this for every dowel, set them aside.

Goes without saying, honestly, that you should decide where you have wall space to put this shit. I happen to be blessed with an ungodly amount of wall space because this old house is held together with cemented rat bones from 1920 and sheets of bedrock. I mean to say I don't own a drill powerful enough to just hang whatever I want anywhere I want. I have to use generational rage and the collective pushing power of all the women in the middle of labor on earth at the same time to make a hole. This works for me because I can put a hole wherever the Gods/Demons governing this house allow.

STEP 3: Measure 24" (60cm) and mark THREE points (left, middle, right). Use a level. I was fortunate enough to have a level that is exactly 24 inches long, so I just ticked the left, ticked the center of bubble, and ticked the right. Even. Good. We like even.

STEP 4: Bore holes where you marked. These will help guide your screw in so you don't look...inexperienced... when it comes time.

STEP 5: Getchur screws and do the thing. Should be three holes, so you should be using 3 screws.

STEP 6: Slide the small loops on the knots you made on to the screw heads. Congrats.

Should look something like this.

STEP 7: Measure out 20" (50cm) of doubled up yarn. You can choose to make this longer or shorter later on with the other dowels. Cut 6 of these.

STEP 8: Thread the yarn through the back of the button hole, then cross it, and thread again.

STEP 9: Knot the two ends of the yarn together, and slide it over a shower hook.

Step 10: Hang the hook on the dowel.

The bottom should look like this. Thread a middle chunk through the loop and rest the butt of the book on the button. Like a little G-string. For a hardworking, night-class taking, single library who don't need no shelf.

You can hang up to 8 books on a dowel, depending on how heavy the book is. I don't suggest hanging the entire Britannica collection on yarn. If your books are heavier, or if you'd like to hang more of them, upgrade to a string that can sustain more poundage. The method is the same. 

You'll have more than enough yarn, nylon and screws to repeat this several times, so if you'd like to make more your only cost will be shower hooks, dowels and buttons.

That's it. Happy New Year!

Interchangeable Kitchen #2 CORN CHOWDER

     Today I was gifted a random assortment of shit and my first instinct was to make soup. It's actually a common issue, making soup on instinct, but the truth is I didn't want to go through the process of making flan.

So let's make some soup. 

Leeks	Corn	Red Pepper	Tomatillo	Pork Chops	Vegetable Broth
Yellow Onion	Worcestershire Sauce	Chili Powder	Smoked Paprika	Thyme	Garlic Powder
Onion Powder	Parsley	Unsalted Butter	Lime Juice	Cumin	Coriander
Salt & Pepper	Heavy Cream	Flour	Egg	Bread Crumbs	Mayo

    

That's leek and corn. Before you do anything with the leek, strip off its jacket like you paid for it all night and wash the hole thing. The dirt likes to get into its pockets and you don't want it in your soup. Shuck the corn like you don't care. I don't care. We both don't care. Compost the greenery; eat it, feed it to your gas station lady. Enjoy yourself. 

Red peppers and tomatillos. I was going to say wash them but at this point just assume that if you're cooking with it and its raw, wash it. Peel the stickers off. No, I don't care that it's edible. Undress your tomatillos with the same tender love you undressed your leeks. 

Broth, pork, onion.  Please be enticed by the ass crack present on both pork chops. 

From the left: Worcestershire Sauce, Chili Powder, Smoked Paprika, Thyme, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, and Parsley. 

Imagine for a moment that I know how to take a proper photo. Secondly, slice the onion and leek like so. 

You'll need a pot and cast iron. If you don't have a cast iron or gas stove, a normal pan will do just fine. People have been doing this for hundreds of years, so you'll figure it out. Charring isn't necessary, but it brings great flavor in enough of a punch that if it were me and I didn't have a gas stove OR a cast iron, I'd make a small fire in my apartment and do it that way. And yeah, I highly advise that. The only person who can stop you is you. You pay taxes. Do what the fuck you want to. 

Coriander, Cumin, Thyme. I didn't mention these earlier but they're here now. On the bottom its Chili Powder, Smoked Paprika and Parsley. You're going to do these measurements in two seperate bowls, because they're going two separate places and it's easier this way. Mise en place! Garlic powder, onion powder, salt and pepper are automatic for both mixes, so you'll need those too. 

Top: 

2 tablespoon cumin

2 tablespoon coriander 

2 tablespoon thyme 

2 tablespoon onion powder

1 tablespoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon of salt & pepper each 

Bottom: 

2 tablespoons of chili powder 

2 tablespoons of smoked paprika 

3 tablespoon of parsley 

2 tablespoon of onion 

2 tablespoon of garlic powder

1 teaspoon salt & pepper each 

Oh shit, there's the photo. Pretend this one is up there with the rest of them.

This should be the end result of each bowl. You're going to be using the WS, some Lime Juice and "neutral" oil. Chose an oil that wasn't involved in any World War. 

2 tablespoons of Unsalted Butter.

You're going to rub the shucked raw corn with half of the butter and let it sit there to think about what it's done. Toss the remaining half into the pot with your leeks and onions. 

Put the leeks and onion into the pot with 2 tablespoons of oil and bring it to high heat. You want to express all their feelings (the ones they keep in until you cut them and they make you cry). The trick is not to develop and emotional attachment. Cook them like this for 5 minutes on high. 

Add the entirety of the Paprika & Parsley spice mix to your pot, mix it up, let it cook for 3 minutes. Scrape as you need to from the edges of your pot, but don't worry too much about it. There are bigger things to fret. After you mix it well, add the entire box of vegetable stock to the pot and let it come up to a boil. Add a healthy stream of lime and a few shakes of the WS.  

Damn pictures posted in reverse. I don't know how to drive this thing. Either way, start grilling your peppers and corn. I stabbed the peppers just a little so they didn't explode while they sat on the cast iron. You will want to turn all the veggies occasionally to make sure they're getting that nice char on all sides. If you're doing this in a normal pan, you're not going to do anything different, it just takes longer and you have to turn them more frequently. If you have a gas stove but no pans, bring your flame up to medium height and let the veggies sit in the fire, turning to evenly char. 

Sprinkle and rub down the pork with half of the cumin spice mixture. Both sides. Seriously, both sides. Pour the remaining spice mix into the pot with the leeks and onions. Mix well. When your veggies are charred enough, take them off the heat and put them on a cutting board. With the pan still hot, plop the pork in there and cook at that heat for 4 minutes. Flip them, kill the heat. Let them cook for about 4-5 minutes on the diminishing heat then remove them from heat entirely and let them rest. They've worked so hard. 

They should rest like this, in full view of the knife so they have time to prepare themselves for fate. 

Slice the tomatillos and make the batter. Prepare a separate bowl for bread crumbs. 

Batter:

1 egg 

3/4 cup flour 

3 tablespoon water

1 teaspoon salt 

If it's too thick and won't stick to your maters', add a little more water. Working with the wet hand/dry hand method, batter the maters' and shake them in bread crumbs. 

You're going to fry the maters', flipping them after 1-2 minutes to make sure they get crunchy on both sides. Drain them of oil as you pull them and rest them in a bowl or something that has a paper towel or cloth in it. 

After you chopped the grilled vegetables, you should have added them to the pot. I forgot if I told you to do that or not, but they're supposed to boil with everything else for about 6 or so minutes, then you're going to blend it. Blend it up as you see fit. I ruin every blender I've ever had, so I got this immersion blender for more control and it's been working perfectly. I can control how much chunk I want, because that's important. Once it's blended how you like to the consistency you like, add 3/4 of the entire carton of heavy cream. 

It should look like this when you're done, or close to it. You're going to put it back on the stove on low to idle for a bit and let the flavors mingle. Once it's back up to a simmer, slice your pork however you see fit, but make sure its a little thin. 

For plating it up, ladle the chowder into a bowl. Add the crunchy tomatillos to the top. Layer the pork. Drizzle some mayo or glop a bit somewhere on there. Shake some chili powder, parsley, salt and pepper on top. You can garnish with some lime if you'd like but I didn't have any so this dish is lacking green. I don't care.  

Everyone loved it. 

  

 

 

Interchangeable Kitchen #1

If trying times didn’t happen, you’d be boring. While you wallow, cook. Eating tastes great. The following is a cheat sheet and methods I’ve gathered and use on a daily basis. Don’t want to use them? I don’t care. This was an ADD whim and now we're both here.

Lucky’s Master Spice (Bait)

1 tablespoon cumin

1 tablespoon coriander 

1 tablespoon onion powder 

½ tablespoon garlic powder

½ tablespoon caraway seed 

1 tablespoon thyme 

Salt & Pepper 

I’m pissed at myself for breaking the rhythm there but maybe it’ll piss you off enough too that you’ll remember it. That mix is good for anything. I use it in everything.

Regional/Country Cheat Sheet 

These are the ingredients you can add to give the illusion that your dish comes from a specific country. They are found dominantly in the dishes that represent that country; i.e. most of the recipes I’ve cooked or have eaten dominantly included three or four similar spices that made the dish what it was. 

Chinese	Ginger	Potato Starch	Red Chili	Garlic
Japanese	Dashi	Soy Sauce	Tofu	Noodle
Thai	Coconut Cream	Sour Paste	Rice Paper	Chicken
Indian	Ghee	Turmeric	Tomato	Cream
Slavic	Cabbage	Potato	Sour Cream	Dill
German	Sausage	Cabbage	Wheat	Onion
English	Mutton	Berries	Pie Dough	Nutmeg
American	Beef	Bass	Cheese	Corn
Spanish	Pork	Rice	Squid	Tomato
Mexican	Avocado	Masa	Onion	Cilantro
Caribbean	Rice	Red Beans	Plantains	Salt Fish
Korean	Crab	Gochujang	Buckwheat Noodle	Rice Cake
African	Okra	Curry	Goat	Porridge
French	Duck	Wine	Truffle	Tarte
Vietnamese	Cilantro	Vermicelli Noodles	Chili Paste	Blood Sausage
Mediterranean	Feta	Olive Oil	Garlic	Lemon

A bit winded but generally speaking if you are looking for a recipe to immerse yourself in a different flavor, do not select recipes that are labeled “the best” or “most popular” because those recipes contain blog-level shock value and no one gives a shit. They can over complicate simple methods and the only people allowed to do that are coincidentally the only ones that have the time, which are the French. The French can take 4 weeks to make a grilled cheese but it would be the best one you’ve ever had in your life. No one has time for that. 

The recipes you want are the ones made by really old people or the grandchildren of the old people that are still living in the country of where you’re trying to cook from/or visit said country frequently. You want to be as close to home as possible. Ideally, a recipe that isn’t well translated. Although, there are a few people that are the exception to this, which I will list in a later post. 

General Supplies 

All kitchens should have these ingredients in them. If you can’t make it, buy it. Keep it for a special occasion. It doesn’t matter. It makes approaching all recipes much easier. Most of my recipes pull from this list. This list doesn’t include “common” items like onions or potatoes. 

Dashi	Sake	Mirin	Soy Sauce	Ginger
Dill	Cilantro	Cream Cheese	Unsalted Butter	Gochujang
Black Bean Paste	Sesame Oil	Olive Oil	Potato/Corn Starch	Corn Meal
Beans	Rice	Chili Peppers	Old Bay	Worcestershire Sauce
Honey	Balsamic Vinegar	Cardamom	Vegetable Oil	Coconut Milk
Kimchi Spice	Masa Flour	MSG	Garlic Powder	Onion Powder

If it seems Asian-heavy it's because I cook as cheap as possible. I have a few expensive recipes but generally speaking those are reserved for paying customers. These are just things for at-home or if there’s someone you’re trying to impress. Two of the cheapest shopping lists come from South America and Asia. 

Interchangeable Kitchen is going to be entries centered around how to cook great tasting food that’s easy as shit, doesn’t take a bunch of your time and will use your leftovers.