Thursday, October 23, 2014

Invalids

I don't have much experience in dealing with men who want so badly to release buckets of glue all over their keyboards. Although I was born in the 90's, I've never been really good at the whole cyber sex thing my fellow 90's babies seem to be into. When I say "never really been good" I mean to say I've legitimately wanted to make people shoot loads with my words, only to be told that they had starting watching porn instead in the time it took me to write something back. It's probably one of those top-secret things no one tells you when you aspire to be a writer.
"Sure, if you try hard enough, one day you  might actually hit a bestseller list. But um, before you go on with this thing, uh, you know that you'll never be able to use written word to get anyone off, right?"
--and I do mean, atrociously bad. Even after my angsty hormone driven danger days of scouring the internet for people to exchange words with me in the hopes of finding some release, I still couldn't compose a text message to my girlfriend without her telling me about how funny it was later.

It could just be me, actually. I'm sure there are some people out there who are pretty bad at it, but when I think about it, I make a pretty funny joke of the physical act too. If I had a penis and said, "All my lovers laughed in the bedroom." there would probably be more reason to worry. As it stands, I just still get so nervous navigating myself around people I've been seeing for years.
90% of the time, there will be something I say that makes her laugh until she get's so sick of my shit she just grips my mouth with hers to shut me up. There have been situations where I'm between a woman's legs, and just post on her mound with my hand under my chin like I'm taking headshots for modeling, starting a conversation about why I think leprechauns are an understated race. Thier frustration is merited, although I have yet to meet a woman who would debate me on that leprechaun thing. Hope's out.

Tonight I got a random message from one of my friends on Facebook asking for something that I both couldn't give, and didn't want to. Friend is a loose term, he used to cyber with my ex-girlfriend. He hated the shit out of me, and for a long time running, the feeling was mutual. Started this whole "forgiveness" hippy shit awhile ago and have nothing but trouble with it. But to his credit, he tried really, really hard.




At this point, he's not saying anything different from what I hear from most of my male friends on a semi-daily basis. It's part of their charm. Whoever said men weren't expressive was obviously not friends with several of them with access to the internet. Most of the time they say "i'm horny" and then I don't hear from them for six minutes. 


  Oh you want to play a ga-----...........We...Well, I'm flattered. Uh. I mean, thank you. That's nice. That's a nice thing to say. Very specific. Leaves no room for imagination. Pretty solid statement.


Jesus christ, I'm the nicest person who isn't stoned on the entire planet. Ghandi has shit on me. Here I make reference to my ex, who he would cyber with almost on a daily basis. Why this isn't her baggage to handle right now, I have no clue. But since I'm obviously a saint, I'm attempting to deal with this as humanly as possible.


When it didn't work out, I resorted to methods the ASPCA defines as "humane", not the Oxford English Dictionary.

He states again, how distraught his jeans are about having to be pushed up against his fly.


I've seen this method used before! Oh my god, if this were a trivia show I'd never apply and be really awkward watching the shows because it could have been me up there.


Might have failed math, so it was probably a bit insensitive to use fractions in this case, but I think the measurement holds up. I can't discern if the frantic line of questions marks are confusion or because I use correct grammar and punctuation, but somewhere failed in repeating my thesis statement.
So at this point, I've asked Pan Blanko what he thought I should do. He said I should do it. I take this advice and gear up all my old, dusty methods of cyber sex.



Livin' life as a freudian wet dream since nineteen ninety summin'.


---and for a bit, he thinks he can back out. You're in my clutches now, bitch. I'm about to hit your juice button so hard.


You'd think I would have lost him by now. I'm a writer, god damn it, and I won't let that stop me.


"*suckle*"

I'm drunk on power. I am God. I am everything. I am the sun. I am the universe. I am doing what every money hungry camera whore does everyday and I'm averagely good at it. Power. So much. 


I am the death knell. I am the limp dick incarnate. I am the fire that doesn't start. I am the toilet paper on the wrong way. I am stubbing your toe drunk as fuck on a Monday morning. I am a lesbian that can't play the guitar. I am futility. I am a WRITER.


 He never responded after this. I'm not sure what went wrong? I thought we had a real connection happening here. Looks like my curse still stands. I'll never be Anne Rice, or that person who wrote that one book everyone reads with a lot of sex.



                                                   Try harder, asshole.

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Philosohorizontals

For a short moment in my life, I lived in Tucson. Met a bunch of unique people. So many in fact, that I realized later that it wasn't that hard. Every person in my network located in the strip of desert from Phoenix to Tucson is what I like to refer to as a horizontal philosopher.
Each of them has this incredible unique personality that doesn't stop to deal with outside bullshit. They're smart, judged by their cover, and keep you thinking. The blend of bohemian rigged lifestyles paired with whatever they can afford to get them stoned or drunk makes them some of those most resilient, depthy, ingenuitive people I've ever met. Seriously, one of my friends survived as long as he could on the desert, eating berries and small game because he wanted to.

This may not be a special thing if you know a lot of hippies or live in Oregon. Kind of a neat thing to me considering it's the desert and Pan is literally insane.

I went to visit them a couple of months ago and managed to take a few pictures in moments of sobriety.


This is a point between Prescott and Phoenix where you can smoke and not be arrested for almost starting a fire. Its meant for tourists.

The greatest thing I discovered in that visit was realizing how many people lay down. I took tons of Pan sleeping because he sleeps literally anywhere comfortably. I've only ever seen this with Nardo before, but Pan takes it to another level entirely.



I mean it's like as long as he can rest his belly on something remotely soft, he's good. Like a snake or a small child.
and then there's Atmos, and people who don't even care where they're lying:



In two out of three occasions, they laid on me.


Conversation among my philosophers is key. If you can't hold one, they typically don't want anything to do with you.

Any space, wide or closed, is used for drinking, writing, dreaming, smoking, yelling, fucking and crying. 


Some of them are quiet, and share their thoughts only when they're finally sure you'll understand. 


Unafraid to share their treasures once you've earned their trust. 



Or to be themselves; unashamed. 


They enjoy their lives in the desert that forged them,


made them famous... 


and taught them valuable lessons.



Sunday, September 14, 2014

Let Me Suck On Your Kneecap

For my birthday this year I decided I that I wanted everyone in the world to give a shit. Because I'm alive, and that makes me very important. Really, no one in the world is like me. They might look like me, but they aren't. They're imposters and should be shot.

To commemorate this holiday, I invited a very select few women to submit their legs to me for my viewing pleasure. I'm going to keep my word, so the winner is getting a prize, but can we just take a moment to appreciate how good my taste in women actually is?
I'll go down the list of legs and rate them according to the only scale that matters: my erection.

Sara~
Filtered, bare wall, painted toes. Composition (who the fuck cares? ...shut up, boner.) Muscular, but very feminine.
There is only a small limit to the things I would do to these legs. Certainly wouldn't blow them up. I would however, let Sara strangle me to death with them.

Addy~
Bare wall, hosary, straight-legged and rotated photo. For as clean as this image is, it makes me feel dirty. Her choice of hosary is really just icing on the cake, which is where I would have Addy sit. Naked. On my cake. With her ankles thrust through my ribcage.


 Kathy~
Two words: mirror selfie.
In addition to having a very nice bathroom, her legs are silky. You can just see the silkiness sheening off her calf and down her leg. Definitely would have her oiled up in a mud puddle; which may or may not be overkill, but really, you can't have this one wet enough.

Christina~
NATURE SHOT. When I think nature, I don't typically think of grass. Not in context of getting pictures sent to my phone, anyway. These legs are playful. Which I don't mind at all.

Natasha~
There's something to be said about tattoos above the knee. It's all good things. Painted nails. Pure white skin. Pure. White. Skin. *adjusts pants*

Bex~
She gets hot points for the long shot, which show cases the muscles she's gained in squat therapy. There's a kid in the shot, which means she's a family woman, and fingers crossed: house wife.
Lord grant me serenity not to bang your wife, amen.

Brittany~
Typically I'm not so down with super skinny legs, but she doesn't look hungry. She looks thirsty. Which I can help with. Either she's naked or skinny enough to wear those thongs that excuse themselves as short-shorts. Either way, I'd be gentle. Very gentle. As to not snap her caps on accident.

Allison~
Pure white, baby toys, hopefully another housewife. There's a beauty mark behind her kneecap, which is the second most attractive things since individually packaged condoms. Stating the obvious, these legs are sturdy, most likely able to snap my neck. If given the opportunity, I would let her make me a paraplegic. Bliss.

Casey~
That's a towel covering her mousse. A towel. Don't even try to tell me that she might be in a bathing suit since this picture is taken in the grass outside. I won't hear it. She's outside because she's a exhibitionist, and she's wearing a towel because her mousse would make a grown man die of need. These legs carry a tattoo on her right inside ankle, and get whiter the higher you travel up the thigh: like my face. She has earned the right to step my face into dirt.

Jaime~
I don't care if that's a skirt or the bottom half of the shortest dress ever made, the sight of these legs alone make me want to travel the slightly tan brick road. Really, she's just adorable. Look at those socks. Ankle socks. ANKLE SOCKS. Oh, right. and a cat. whatever.

Amelia~
There's so much right happening here. Her pants have been taken off, and she left her sports hoody on. This shows me her enjoyment in making me squirm. Tattoo above the knee is immediate initiation into the hottest women alive category. Painted nails means she cares. Bathroom selfie. So much right in this image, so much pleaseletmesmellyourknees in those legs. I'd let her tickle me until I'm dead.


Lucy~
These legs are on a train, which when you think about isn't as common as you think. Ankle socks and lace-up shoes. Not entirely sure if those are shorts, but DO YOU SEE THE FRECKLES. SHE HAS FRECKLES ON HER KNEES. Freckles and beauty marks anywhere near/on a knee is I can't even explain it? It's ridiculously attractive and rare. A+

***FINALISTS***

Ambur~
Socks that bear a team sports logo on women is the reason countries go to holy war. I would. I would wear nothing and charge reckless into an entire army if an entire army is what was keeping me from touching these legs. There is NO LIMIT to the amount of people I would punch in the face to get inches closer to them and if I died or was cut in half within a mile of getting to them, I would use my teeth to crawl the rest of the way.

Frith~
This woman is sitting on a black leather couch in shorts, with the sun coming in. There are people that pay thousands of dollars to get this kind of image and she just snaps it willy-nilly. If you can just take a moment to look at these--really look at these--you will slowly start to realize why it makes no sense that women aren't all totally fucking each other all the time. Really. I dream of this picture.

         




       ********CONTEST WINNER**********


Kiernan~
There are not enough words in the English language or any other language to describe the feeling a person gets when this type of picture is sent to them for personal approval. No, not this type of picture....just this picture. It came to my Facebook Wall with "Army Strong Legs" as a caption, and for a split full-hearted moment, I considered signing up for the opportunity to be near these.
Her knees have contours I've never seen in my life. Cute, womanly feet; just enough calf, and thighs that would make celibate monk's dick cry. There's a depression in the comforter that makes me wish it was my chest. I literally want to be the furniture in this picture. I want to be her furniture for probably the rest of my natural-born life. Holy shit. Just, holy shit. *slow clap*














To all the women that submitted pictures:
You're all beautiful inspirations to those around you, and you're all my favorite people to look at. Thank you for playing this year and don't feel shy about submitting next year. Trust me, I'd love to see what you have hiding under your pant-legs.
I love you silly beautiful reasons to still be having sex with this gender.
Thanks for playing.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Salt The Water

There comes a time in a woman’s life when she must above all things, realise a limit to her expertise. A percent of women are very good at cooking, others may be skilled in the art of fashion, some are even considered the best chefs in the world. But these women will experience a speed-bump--a self-driven, self-promoting, hateful little fuck up by the name of “that one”.
That One is papa fuck up.
It’s that one thing.
Maybe even, several things at once, that one time.
It embodies different things and takes many forms, all in which are stories you later tell other people; to warn them. They find it funny. They even laugh. But that one time is not a secular issue that you simply persevered. It’s a learning tool from which all of your future decisions to do nothing out of your comfort zone derive. In a single fell movement, it has forced you scared and alone into a box of it’s own design, where you will stay, because even recognizing the pattern that may repeat that one time leaves you sitting on your couch afraid of sounds.

What I’m trying to tell you is that I made soup today. At midnight a couple of days ago I decided I wanted to make an entire chicken. This would have been a good idea if I had a clue how to go about it. After a few Google searches it went in the oven, but I treated the recipe list sort of like a yellow light if I were on crystal. It said 425 degrees, so I totally nailed that. But I get nervous with meat so I kept checking it, letting the heat out. Instead of the hour and a half cook time it took somewhere near three. Either way, the bird was cooked.

Today upon entering the kitchen to look for my remote, I decided that it would be a great idea to make the left over into a soup. As far as I know, they put entire solid things in a pot and stew them for several hours and when served it looks pretty. My day sort of turned out like Investigation Discovery after my mind was made up.

Here’s the recipe for “Red Solo Yolo”:
1 entire chicken
Miso Flavored Ramen Noodles
Pepper
Salt
Leftover Onions From Vietnamese Take Out  
Parsley
Vietnamese Peanut Sauce
Chili Paste
Canned Potatoes
Canned Mushroom Soup
Chicken Broth

Instructions for cooking:
1. Purchase 1 chicken at Wal-Mart around 12-1a.m.
2. Put chicken in disposable tin. Lather liberally with chili paste, peanut sauce, pepper and salt.
3. Freak out about it’s tail flap thing.
4. Shove about two grips of mixed onions and parsley up it’s ass.
5. Stick it in a 425 degree oven for 1 hour and 30 minutes.
6. Every 15 minutes, open the oven door to make sure it’s cooking.
7. At the third 15th minute, realize there isn’t any oil.
8. Take it out, put something oily on it.
9. Wait another two hours or until skin is nearly black.
10. Serve piping hot to your best friend.
11. Wrap whatever he won’t eat and put in fridge. Wait exactly 2 days. Think of Jesus and his resurrection. This will be the chicken.
12. Get a huge pot from your brothers house, fill ¾ of the way with water while having a phone pressed to your face.
13. Make sure the conversation is both deep and requires your full attention.
14. Remember you oversalted the chicken, so there’s no need for more.
15. Add chicken stock to water, plop in cold chicken.
16. Realize you don’t have a can opener, put the potatoes back.
17. Dump all other canned goods with pop-lids in pot.
18. Wait exactly 3 hours. *during this time you will take the lid on and off to make sure it’s cooking.*
19. Taste it and you will be able to tell it needs more salt.
20. Add 2 packets of Miso Flavored Ramen; literally. Like, add the flavor and noodles and little freeze-dried bits.
21. Wait 30 minutes or until noodles are cooked.
22. Serve by dipping a Red Solo cup in the pot.
Enjoy!


In about 30 minutes I’m going to dump the entire thing in the Springfield Lake. This is now that one time I made chicken soup, and probably why I’ll never cook again in my life.

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Restart? -->Yes/No

Through a lot of my life I've had to ask a third party about what I've lived; this is because I have a horrible memory. 50 First Dates resembles the somewhat daily routine of what I go through. There are a handful of theories about why I work that way; some people claim it was my early and thoroughly enjoyed alcohol use. Other blame it on one or multiple of the following:

-frequent blows to the head from fights/general clumsiness
-not finding anything outside of my interests memorable
-having the attention span of a contemporary artist in 1983 at a corporate gala
-exposure to tinfoil use outside culinary atrocities
-odd need to smell things regardless of chemical makeup
-same equally important need to touch/punch things that are kawaii/ugly regardless of weight class
-the odd hours i sleep

And for all of those gifts, I'm awarded the right to not remember your name. That's why I nickname you. I probably can't remember your real name. You're not boring or uninteresting, but you probably are honestly, its just I don't care enough. Really. It's not you, it's me. If you're angry, that's okay. Remember that you're not 23 and constantly losing arguments because you forgot what your point was.

Yesterday morning I had this brilliant idea to attempt remembering parts of my past based on the games I was playing at the time. Normally this isn't something I would be thinking about while trying to sleep, but I was shooting for falling asleep counting titles instead of sheep.
All of these should have been books, and to be frankly honest I want them to be, but I didn't have time to read a book in 1998, my live-in maid did.
She was Hispanic so it gave all the characters the best accents. Did you know Peter Rabbit and Mr. McGregor sound like Cheech & Chong? She even elaborated on them by telling me she knew a Flopsey, Mopsey, and Cotton-tail. Said they were all her husband. I didn't get it then, but these days I understand the confusion my classmates had when I tried to tell them Black Beauty was Denzel Washington.

Spyro the Dragon:  Oct 1998
Where I lived: Summerville, Georgia
Why is this game important?
Spyro is a title I tried to play by myself but couldn't manage to play correctly. Uncle Jim would play it instead on nights where it was his job to get me to sleep. This was the game we were playing when I was first introduced to my irrational fear of being struck by lightning, and how it was coincidentally explained to me that it was practically impossible. Uncle Jim taught me to count how many seconds between the flash and thunder while Spyro's dragonfly occasionally buzzed idly. To this day I still freak out during thunderstorms, but now I know how far off God's aim is.

Tarzan Action Game: 1999
Where I lived: Summerville, Georgia
Why is this game important?
This is the second most hated game I've ever owned. It was addictive in the sense that McDonald's can be, and about as good for you. Seriously, if I didn't have anxiety issues before this title, I had it afterwards. Nothing in life or made by the hand of a higher power could or want to craft such a frustrating piece of shit. Only man. Only man would do this. After Uncle Jim and I beat it, we stomped it to death. First time I raged on something.


The Sims: Feb 2000
Where I lived: Tucson, Arizona
Why is this game important?
At the time I was attending a private school that catered to children who didn't fuck around with their super powers. It was like X-Men except we couldn't fly or grow claws unless we took a leap of faith off the jungle gym or taped coffee straws to our knuckles. These were the times of plenty; when my imagination really took off and I met a little boy who altered my perception of people for the rest of my life. He played The Sims, and introduced me to the world of naming your enemies and then killing them in swimming pools very slowly. (One of the expansions for this game is called "Hot Date"; He asked me to be his girlfriend by loading a save where his avatars of him and I were in an endless "woo hoo" session.)
*these were the infamous days of "Sugar Cookies & Coke"*

Darkstone: Evil Reigns: Jan 2001
Where I lived: Tucson, Arizona
Why is this game important?
Because I never beat it. In this era I spent most of my time with a man named Cary who bought me anything under the sun as long as I wasn't mean to him. As a child, I exploited this to a ridiculous proportion and looking back I feel a little bad. He would sit next to me and do paperwork while I played, before I got smart and asked for a new console for my own house. Then he took me to Mexico after school in a convertible, teaching me how to haggle for jewelry. It was the best Tuesday of my life.


Shenmue II: 2003 
Where I lived: Casa Grande, Arizona
Why is this game important?
Shenmue II is the first game my mother ever bought me without asking for it. She went out of her way to pick something out that I would enjoy based on my interests, which was just fucking out of this world for my level of understanding back then. I never managed to beat this one outright; back then you didn't have such easy access to game guides unless you bought them and Shenmue was a pretty understated title. It played like a Chinese version of Grand Theft Auto, except all the roads were written in kanji. The idea of being able to kick the shit out of my enemies gave me a high like no other.

Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball: Jan 2003
Where I lived: Casa Grande, Arizona
Why is this game important?
In the spring/summer of '03 I stayed with my childhood best-friend, Em. We attended the same school together, ignored homework together, played games together. This one was her brother's I think, and it introduced me to a whole new perspective of sexuality. Those beautiful nanas bounced with each push of a button. Where as I had completely ignored my awkward feelings towards women before, it was around this time I started really looking at the girls around me. 8th grade is interesting for a gringa who isn't shy about wanting to pick up chicks-- and by interesting, I mean I learned to fight and appreciate piano music.  

Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind: 2004
Where I lived: Phoenix, Arizona
Why is this game important?
I didn't know it yet, but this titles and it's expansions would be the ever-constant video game in my life. Anything that happened would occur while I was playing, waiting to play, or installing one of these. For this one in particular, it's a story about moving and my exploration in to exploitation. The year I played this game would be the year I learned to lie, charm, guile, and cheat my way to victory in and out of real life. Also I met a songwriter who was a senior at our high school. He really like me. I really liked his girlfriend. It got weird.

Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion: 2006
Where I lived: Key West, Florida
Why is this game important?
I'll be honest with you, the reasons this game is so integral to my life are too long to list. Like I stated above, the Elder Scrolls series has been a cornerstone since I picked it up. I have bought and sold this game a counted total of 36 times since it's release. Had I kept a singular save file it would have 61,355 hours on it, minus the hours I needed for sleep, eating, flirting and changing my shirts. That's a real number, people. Look it up. I can beat this game in less than three hours, accomplishing 100% storyline, all guilds, and 60% of the sidequests. There is nothing to show for my dedication other than the neat trick I  do where I shut my eyes and navigate out of the first dungeon without looking.

Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare: 2007
Where I lived: Phoenix, Arizona
Why is this game important?
Among all of my friends I can honestly say this video game changed my life. I don't mean it as in this game is blow-your-mind-or-your-boyfriend good, but it literally altered what the rest of my years would have been like. I was in a car crash that resulted in the loss of most functions; speaking, walking, writing, etc. Over the course of 8 months this game and a headset gave me back the ability to reason, deduce, have reflexes, and process multiple bits of information at once. I couldn't just press the thumb-stick to make a soldier move, I knew where I was going. Maps were memorized. If you were to ask me about any of the maps today I could tell you anything you needed to know. Eventually I could stand up and vent my frustrations properly. Unfortunately, it left me a couple of gifts I didn't need to keep. The ability to win every hand-eye coordination game in the world, and the skill to memorize a cities road layout after riding through it once. Except Boston. Boston is fucked.

Persona 4: Dec 2008
Where I lived:  Springfield, Missouri
Why is this game important?
At the time Avis and I were living on the graces of a woman who let us sleep in the backroom of her trailer. It was the middle of winter and the woman didn't have anything to give us, so Avis and I cuddled under a towel we found and plugged in the Playstation 2. This is a game I bought before we lost everything and I was determined to hold on to it, but I couldn't give you a reason. We played this and Final Fantasy 10 back-to-back until my brother took us in, where we finished them both in another backroom. It's an excellent game and probably my favorite of all time; not only was it solid, but it kept our minds off the cold and hunger we felt.

Catherine: 2011
Where I lived: Springfield, Missouri
Why is this game important?
First let me key you in; this game is about a guy who is dating a woman named Katherine, while being helplessly pursued by an extremely sexy woman also named Catherine. Throughout the game you deal with puzzles and decide which (K)Catherine you want pursue or stay with. I bought it because I like puzzles. I kept it because I was in the same situation.
Though it didn't help me out and really made me want to just be single for eternity, it does provide perspective on who you are as a general asshole.

Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim: 2011
Where I lived: Springfield, Missouri
Why is this game important?
It didn't really change my life, but a ton of severely important things happened in my life when this game came out. I believe it ushered in a new age for both myself and the video game industry; completely reinventing what we thought were norms. it's the next installment of Elder Scrolls, so at this point I really just duck my head when Bethesda announces things. Fun fact: I saw more drama happen around this game's pause screen than I've seen in 23 years of watching Lifetime, Hallmark, and MTV combined.

Persona 4 Golden: 2012
Where I lived: Mesick, Michigan
Why is this game important? 
PS Vita came out and I bought one before my first semester of college started; I bought it for this title. A remake of the game I played when times were rough, remastered with new missions, new socials, and new bosses. It means more to me than it did originally, now that I realize the coincidence of playing the same title twice while living the same situation twice. Dr. Ashley and I would take turns between Persona and Hot Line Miami before humanities class started, and sometimes during humanities. Those cold winter days during the long trek to campus were made easier in good company with good things to talk about. Anytime it gets cold I think of the good shit that happens when this game is on.


                                                         THE GAME FROM HELL

I HATE this game. This is my #1 most hated game in the history of video games. Everyone should hate this game. Don't even play it to see. Don't give it the time. Tell everyone you know that you hate this game and that the developers should be drugged and made to strip for the money this company theoretically owes you. Monks should grow their hair back in protest against this game. Republicans and Democrats could VOTE UNANIMOUSLY  on the hatred of this game. It's scarred my curiosity towards any title with "metal" or "dungeon" in it for the rest of my life. If I ever see this game I will break it into a thousand shards and use those shards and my blood to summon satan so I can tell him to Godzilla curb stomp the creators of this game. Fuck this game. DON'T EVEN FUCK THIS GAME JUST KNOW THAT YOU HATE IT.